As I have stated before, too much has been said about the plight of the retired NFL players.  There has been an endless parade of stats and figures, and emotions have run high, even without the “break his damn neck” comment by Gene Upshaw.  There is only one option left for this discussion – satire.

The best solution, and the only one that would satisfy all parties involved is ironically, one of the simplest.  Gene Upshaw should adopt the troubled retirees.   After all, Gene claims that no one has done more for retired players than him.  Well, since Gridiron Greats and other charities, including professional athletes from different sports have all donated significant sums to these players, It would seem that they have upped the ante.  If Mr. Upshaw wants to play ball (bad pun), he better put his money where his mouth is.

It really shouldn’t be that hard for  Upshaw.  After all, the NFL supposedly spent $20 million dollars last year on roughly 300 disabled retired players.  Upshaw has made at least $20 million if you add up his last few year’s salaries(including over $6.5 million in 2006 according to union documents), so footing the bill for some disabled vets should be chump change.  And by adopting them, they would be covered by his insurance, which is provided through the NFLPA(very convenient).  They could all be one big happy family on the Upshaw ranch singing kum-ba-ya and holding hands.

In addition, there would be no need for the disability board, which has routinely turned away players in dire need.  Look at Curt Marsh, who had over 30 surgeries and lost his leg before being able to qualify, and still has to be examined every year to make sure he still qualifies.  I guess they’re hoping his leg grows back.   The board members could go back to ambulance chasing and robbing soda machines.  And as an added bonus, Gene’s agent, Tom Condon, who sits on the disability board, could concentrate his efforts on increasing Gene’s salary, which always seems to be the only contract that’s guaranteed.    I’ve even heard that  Doug Allen, who reportedly made $1.9 Million as head of Players Inc. last year would agree to adopt a few players as well.   He said he needs some servants for his third home. 
I don’t think that Upshaw’s other ally, the NFL, would have much trouble with the deal, either.  After all, they could surely use a rest from all the negative publicity.   Maybe the retired players will be so happy that they’ll help Gene shine the owners shoes and serve the drinks at the owner’s meetings.  It seems a tidy package.  Upshaw and the boys, swapping stories and drinking together just like in the old days.  Well before he turned his back on them, anyway.

I love the way the recent agreement to coordinate the efforts of the NFL and NFLPA on these issues has been greeted with much fanfare.  The two have been working together for years!  Upshaw constantly brags about the extra 20% that he got the retired players, but won’t dare compare the NFLPA program to the other leagues.  Unfortunately, it’s all smoke and mirrors.  The real solution is very simple.  The NFL claims it is the number one sports league in the US.  Then match the number one professional sports retirement plan – the MLB plan.